Space Farts

While everyone else are ushering in the New Year by partying and drinking and taking drugs and having an unwanted pregnancy... I'm here blogging.

Even though 2011 is just coming, I really can't wait for 2012 to end because people could either be doing the exact same thing they do today or it will be the end of the world~... by which of course I will be in Mesoamerica waiting for the mothership to arrive and take me away to a better place

Speaking of spaceship, there's recently a news report on the internet reporting about3 big giant spaceship in the solar system that's heading towards Earth. When I read that I was actually a little freaked out because I'm gullible that way... and than I saw the 3 pictures...

It's a penis shaped spaceship.

There are 2 more but I can't be bothered to upload. One looks like ET from the shoulder up and the other is just a blue blob which really looks like a bacteria under a microscope.

I don't know how they came to the conclusion that those big blue things are spaceship but whatever they are we will probably only find out in 2012.

For all we know it might be space farts which will probably be more interesting that the Northern Lights... so suck on that Aurora.

More. Macaron

Hello~

Orange coloured Macaron.

Not flavoured because I ALWAYS forget to put in the vanilla essence. It's already sweet enough considering the fact that I'm using 1/4 cup of sugar to a single egg...plus seeing the egg white turn orange with the food coloring is very mesmerizing.

Pfft~ Vanilla Essence? I'm already having eyegasm, no need for a smellgasm otherwise I might have a real orgasm. And that's how a song is written.

With Peanut Butter.

Not a ganache, can't make White Chocolate Ganache because I bought the wrong type of cream. Cost me $2.20 for a small can of cream that I have no idea what to do with... at least I can eat the White Chocolate Morsels.

They showed some examples on the can of cream though... like strawberries and cream, which I have to admit looks pretty good... but the cream looked like white vomit. It was a mixture of solid pieces of cream and just white liquid. Vomit marinated in Semen

Lesson learnt. Never succumb to your inner cheapskate. $2.20 is actually considered cheap because the normal cream that I used in the past to make truffles cost me $4. Oh yeah, I made truffles and they tasted like Royce chocolate... which was how I came to the conclusion that Royce uses Van Houten Chocolate to make their Truffles... or I think it was Van Houten I used.

I know I used the Hershey Chocolate to make Truffles once... it tasted horrible. It might probably be because I mess up the recipe with Macaron Chocolate Ganache and added an extra dollop of Golden Syrup in the mixture... but the point is Van Houten Baking Chocolate> Hershey Baking Chocolate although I beg to differ about their Cocoa Powder.

I like to copy what people do on the internet. Playing Jenga with my Macarons.

There are feet on the Macarons... its just that it's not so obvious because like those China girls in the past, I like small feet so I bind them... and what I really mean is those feet deflated the moment they came out of the oven to be cooled.

In my defense, while they were in the oven they had man feet... so its not my fault, I blame my oven, the humidity in Singapore and whatever problem that does not lie with me.

Alex the Androgynous

My sister found this Hammie at the dump site at the car park of my Condo. Some prick(s) dump their hamster there... PETA would've been up their asses, probably hold rallies at their doorstep, luckily none of my family members are in PETA because we eat meat.

My sister called it Alex because the cage it came in had Alex written in it. It was only later we found out it was a brand because I bought Alex branded Hammie Food. No idea if the Hammie is a boy or girl.

Might buy a female and male hamster to test it out and check. Put each of them in for 5 minutes, if the female hamster gets pregnant, Alex will officially be called a rapist and if the male Hamster impregnates Alex... she will be referred to as a slut hamster.

Shameless

So I was watching 90210 a few days back on TV, because it happened to be on... and I decided to watch it for a while, like an hour and the main character was having a job interview, when asked about her weakness she had this to say....

"My weakness would probably be the fact that I'm a perfectionist."

Sudden flashback to a lesson I had in school last year when the lecturer said the exact same thing in a mock interview, and after which she told a student to give another example and that student repeated the exact same thing <- REAL~ ORIGINAL. She literally repeated what the lecturer said, and the thing I can't stand about it was when she said...

"I'm a perfectionist, so that's probably my weakness"

... was the fact that she meant it. Arrogant much?

"Perfectionist" isn't something you should label yourself as, it's something other people call you for being very anal about something in a positive way. I know of many classmates of mine who are perfectionist and they are always very humble about it... because really we are calling them anal in a nice way but that's not the point. The point is they don't go around telling everybody they are a perfectionist.

Labeling yourself a perfectionist puts you on the same level of delusion as average Joes and Janes who think they are very good looking.

So, no, your weakness is not the "fact" that you're a "Perfectionist"... your weakness is your Delusions, your Arrogance, your lack of Shame and obviously your lack of creativity in coming up with anything original that you had to shamelessly repeat what the lecturer said.

She would've been a great specimen in the Jurong Bird Park. A mix between a Peacock and a Parrot.

Nom.Nom.Nom.

I've spend the Christmas week attempting to make Macarons hoping for a miracle to happen.

Smooth Top with Helluva Ugly Bottom = Perfect Macaron

Disclaimer :The above Macaron was not made by me

When you make Macarons, and they don't have any "feet", that's considered a failed product... I'm not a perfectionist, half the time if something goes awry in my school project I will just do fuck all and just continue and leave the accidentally chopped off finger in the model... but forsome reason I got really obsessed with trying to perfect the macaron.

I have probably made like 7 or so batches if not more... whisking the egg whites with my handwhisk because I do not own a KitchenAid... gotta thank Santa for that. I believe the best kitchen mixer you can get is a KitchenAid because its colorful and I'm shallow that way.

Did a shitload of research on Macaron, tips and tricks, images and even looked up Youtube videos and rewatched them over and over again to see what I did wrong. Now I have utmost respect for this guy

The Brother of the Actor who played the Gay Dad in Modern Family

No he's not. This guy's Pierre Herme, pâtissier, single and available.

Loves long walks on the beach and making Macarons before slapping his perfect treats in the faces off all the amatuer pastry cooks.

One of the best Macaron maker in the world.

After a week of Macaron hell, I've finally found my own method of making those pesky "feet" appear... only thing left to do is to see how I can perfect the surface of the Macaron and find away to prevent the bottom part of the Macaron from getting stuck of the parchment paper, which I've managed to use up in a week... all 5 meter of it.

I have no picture to show because the Macaron shells did not survive their separation surgery from the Parchment Paper.. if you are interested to see how it would have looked like just Google "bloody accident" with the safe search filter off. The shell cracked but it was still delicious, I scrapped it off the parchment paper to eat... in fact I ate all the failed macaron shells.

There's nothing wrong with eating delicious failed product.

-Macaron Journey ends here for now because my Mom's complaining, telling me I'm wasting electricity ,I thought she was gonna tell me I was wasting food because I threw all the yolks away . I'm gonna let her breathe for a day and tomorrow I'm gonna continue, or maybe later tonight-

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve and I'm here to wish people a Merry Christmas... because I care about your Christmas.

I've even broken my one year absence from Facebook just to wish people a Merry Christmas... was gonna update Twitter as well but that blue bird's probably abandon me for ignoring it for so long.

The only reason I update Facebook is because I'm actually hoping to get as many "Likes" as possible because unlike everyone else who took like 5 seconds to come up with the same Christmas Greeting they use every year... It took me 10 seconds to come up with mine.

"I hate people who update their Facebook status to receive Likes"

People who put that as their status to me are lying. Who doesn't like to have their post "Like"... unless of course you busted your hymen by accident... than a "Like" followed by a comment is better...

"Whore!"

"You're referring to your Father as an accident? You ungrateful child."

"You can call Dr McNamara for a Hymen reconstruction surgery."

I found out about the surgery to repair a busted hymen through Nip/Tuck. Who knew you could buy back your virginity for $200,000. I'm not very sure how much it cost because my hymens still very much intact.

Well anyways since it's Christmas... I think I should recommend a few good movies to watch as it's the festive season, its good to share via Piratebay (I don't recommend that because I have never used Piratebay before. No~ I have never used Piratebay before *nod head profusely* No. No. No.)

I watched Tron Legacy last Sunday in all its 3D glory and I have to say the 3D was a lil disappointing because I have really high standards and also because I had like a huge pimple (multiple pimples decided to mark their territory on the same spot on my nose because of the amazing view it offers) on the bridge of my nose, so whenever I wore the glasses it had to rest on my pimple which hurts. The movie looked amazing, the story I didn't care so much because I had a huge pimple on the bridge of my nose, so whenever I wore the glasses it had to rest on my pimple which hurts.

And than I watched the rest through other means...

Black Swan, Unstoppable and Aftershocks which were all really good. I've never actually watched 3 good movies in a row before, usually after every good movie I will watch like a really bad chick flick.

"Samantha is the new girl in school. Joan is the Queenbee of the school. What do they have in common other than a really bad manager who put them in this crap of a movie?Their eyes on Joe, the jock that has bendover for every other guy in school. Will Samantha be able to get her Prince Charming before Joan does? Catch "Asking For A Razzie" opening this Summer "

All the 3 movies are really good, and I'm not kidding. I was actually pleasantly surprised with Aftershocks because it's actually a China movie... not that I'm trying to bring down China films, but after owning Made In China USB operated fan that has a metallic cover which electrocutes you whenever you touch it... you start to take precautions.

Anyway I wish the 3 to 4 of you who are reading this blog a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Santa's coming to visit you tonight so leave a cookie and a glass of milk by the table... if you've got a present than you've been a good kid this year, if all you got are ants on the table and a glass of spoilt milk... you were probably naughty this year. <- Probably a good storyline for a Christmas porn movie.

I think this is how Porn directors tell their pornstars the storylines to their pornographic films

Director : So here's how the storyline's gonna go. Santa's coming over this Christmas and you've been a naughty girl, so you will be playing a girl who's sitting at the Christmas Tree waiting for Santa. Santa will fall through the Chimney and tell you that you've been on the naughty list because you did not prepare cookies and milk for him. You guys will get naked and he will hump you for a good 20 minutes or so... you just go "Ahh~ Ahh~ Ah~ and than go he will just go Ooomph! Ooomph! Ooomph!". Hold it for 20 minutes because otherwise we are gonna have to make the end credits roll really really slow.

Self Obsessed

It seems as though staying at home and doing nothing has created some angst in me.

Was talking to a friend earlier on messenger about the NS Medical Check-Up and for some reason I managed to steer the whole conversation in another direction to the topic of Facebook and Twitter, which caused me to start verbally bashing this random person I know, well technically there's a reason and it's because I found that person to be Positively Annoying.

Positively Annoying essentially refers to a person who's always positive, or most of the time till the point it gets on your nerves. And it doesn't help that the person is extremely self obsessed. every single conversation that you try to have, the person somehow manages to relate themselves to the situation.

John : "Wow, Jane your wound looks like it hurts a lot."

Jane : "Its more painful than it looks."

John : "I bet, I apologize for using your hand as bait to lure the Lion."

Self-Obsessed : "Hmmm... I have a wound on my hand as well. It looks painful but it really isn't. I know I'm a trooper, you guys don't have to tell me that."

John : "But it's just a mosquito bite."

Self-Obsessed : "HUH? Its not just ONE, it's TWO!... And you know what, I take back what I said, its actually very painful. "

Jane :"What? That red spot? You can hardly see it."

John : "F*cking Pussy."

It's actually true, I did have a conversation with a bunch of friends once and they suddenly brought up the topic about my finger, not because it has visited many people's rectum but because it was suffering from eczema (poor finger *kiss*), this other person joins in and starts telling us how she has some skin peeling issue on her finger as well and that it was probably as severe as mine, even after my friends told her mine was actually a lot worse, she kept going on about how hers was equally bad and she only stopped after we did a side to side comparison. Of course people suddenly became more obsessed about the length of my fingers than the eczema issue itself.

I actually went to Google people with long fingers because I thought it was kinda odd that my fingers were so long... turns out I'm actually an Alien species from a planet in Space Sector 98F-45 and I've been send to Earth to plan the destruction of Earth and all its' inhabitants so that my fellow alien species can come here to live and multiply.

But anyway, the verbal bashing did not last long because I felt bad afterwards. Karma's a real bitch so I had to stop before she came knocking on my door.

I am also on a baking binge these week, last few days I kept making meringues, I'm no longer gonna refer to my creations as macaroons because its not even close, today, I went in another direction and made poop cookies.

They really look like dog poo... the shape and the cracks. But it's not bad , doesn't taste like shit at all. Never judging a book by its cover. No pictures though because its dark and taking picture of poop in the dark just makes the poop look like shit.

Macaroons and I

Staying at home does induce massive boredom... used to be fine when I substitute the lack of any social life with Aion, which isn't healthy in any way I might add because after hours and hours of hardcore gaming, which amounts to walking around in-game aimlessly looking at the game's vistas and hitting space bar a lot (jumping) to have up skirt shots of my character taken... my eyes starts to get really really tired and it starts blinking like crazy.

After unsubbing to Aion, life is as boring as it gets. Sitting in front of the computer all day surfing Youtube... placing my phone next to me all day hoping for someone to SMS or call, among other things.

So my life pretty much boils down to surfing Youtube all day, playing a random MMO every now and then and also making failed macaroons. The only joy I find in watching Youtube videos is reading through the comments on random videos. Its very invigorating to see an online troll getting bashed by other online trolls... after that whole online fiasco I FEEL SO POWERFUL I CAN KILL A MOUSE!... Ah~ Feeding of the energies of the righteous trolls... some online trolls are just really stupid its as if they are begging to be bashed.

Their comments don't make any sense because there's spelling and grammatical errors

everywhere...

"This videos is like sucks, the grl so ugly I want to vomit bloody. I vomit blood and I put blood on the screen so I can dirty the screen with their blood."

-15 Hours Ago by MaceMe91

@MaceMe19 "F*ck you and the horse you wrote in on."

- 10 Hours Ago by DirtySanchez

@DirtySanchez "You mean rode? Learn to spell jackass"

- 2 Hours Ago by IncestSurvivor

@IncestSurvivor " It's a punt you stupid moron."

- 1 Hours Ago by DirtySanchez

@DirtyShancez "LOL. You got PUNT!!"

- 20 Minutes Ago by MaceMe91

@MaceMe91 " You mean PWNED... Jackass. And FYI Justin Bieber is a guy, not a girl."

- 19 Minutes Ago by IncestSurvivor

Oh yes~The joys of watching a smack-down between trolls happen, but of course sometimes the trolling war takes places like "3 Months Ago by DirtyHoeBag"... and I have to scroll through the entire comments to see what's happening. Thank God I need not worry about having to waste my time scrolling through the thousand of comments, who's counting the time when you have plenty to spare at home... time that was supposed to be used to spend in Aion.

Well, beside watching faux Korean Drama Shows on Youtube via the comments, I have dedicated half my time and 8 eggs baking macaroons. All of which failed miserably...

To give an idea of how a macaroon should look like... here's one done by someone who probably used a mixer. I didn't have a mixer so I had to use my hands to beat the egg whites till they formed stiff peaks...

Look at those gorgeous little babies. Or thats how I think Nigella Lawson would say it.

And then mine... which came out terribly.

It's almond Macaroons with cheap strawberry jam.

It tasted fine though... but some patisserie in French or Italy or whatever artsy fartsy country decided that the perfect macaroon needed something mine was missing.... a 20 inch co...... FEET! That little bubbly imperfection underneath every macaroons... and a smooth shell, which mine lacks.

And they said hand whipped were better, those sadist obviously enjoys tasting the soreness of the patisserie's arm when having their treats.

Generous Much

Rejecting a person who's asking for a donation on the phone is a lot easier than rejecting the person in real life.

A few days ago I decided to call the company whom I have donated to like a few weeks back (previous post) to cancel my "subscription"... by "subscription" I mean this leech like donation method the company has implemented where it helps itself by taking $10 out every month from my bank account and giving that money to the kids from who knows where.

The lady on the phone was pretty nice and told me the person-in-charge will call me a few days later to ask for more information like my bank account info etc I think for double confirmation... which to me sounds really dubious because I've never had anyone use that as an excuse to ask me out on a date before.. *blush*

Today they finally called and it wasn't to confirm my cancellation but instead to tell me to head down to where they are located and re-do the whole donation process because the previous form did not go through properly, which I find shocking because the person remembered who I was, that must mean I must be like one of the tens of donors that decided to donate.

I am not exactly a selfish individual, sometimes I share my food with the dustbin, from time to time I will hydrate my toilet bowl and I consistently gave food to this hamster I got for 2 years until it died from obesity...IT DIED FROM OBESITY... THAT'S HOW GENEROUS I AM!

The person whom I have donated to I feel is like a bloody moron. I was never interested in the first place to donate, I kept finding excuses to leave the place and I called to cancel my subscription a few days after donating... Its pretty obvious I have no interest to donate to the organization. So calling me back and telling me to head all the way down to Jurong to re-fill the donation form is just ridiculous... it's ludicrous... its like the end of the world you psychopath. What the hell is wrong with you?

Technically I didn't donate since they couldn't put my form forward... that means no extra commission of karma for you. But still its stupid how they call me and expect me to head down to Jurong to re-fill the donation form when the call I was waiting for was one that would confirm the cancellation to my donation subscription.

I'm a very busy (read lazy) person... giving me the extra task of having to call your company to cancel the stupid form to me is like asking me to bring your child to school... it's a pain in the ass. The pain being your child's fist in my butt. I'm not going to head over to Jurong and re-fill the donation form... that's like asking your 2nd and 3rd child to stick their fist in my ass as well. Unless I'm a pregnant chick and you are sticking that in my vagina... its not gonna help. I have no idea how to bring this back to the main point so...

The only suggestion I can give to the organization is JUST ACCEPT CASH. People are more likely to donate using cash than giving out bank account details.

Gleeful Citrus

Halfway through school today I decided to go to Art Friend to get materials... No reason to stay in school really, I can't even do the job of taking up space properly.

Managed to get all my material within like 5 minutes... but queued up for 15 minutes because some caucasian ladies bought a lot of arts and crafts material. Caucasian ladies LOVE buying things from Art Friend for some reason, it's like all the Caucasians in Singapore loves Arts and Crafts... although I have no idea what they do with their final product after they finish it... probably like how I take care of my baked treats after they are done... leave them in the fridge till they get moldy and blame the humidity for spoiling a "perfectly good" cake.

"Aigoo ah~ Wasted,"...

What the person who dumbs the cake will probably say as they proceed to dumb it down the rubbish chute but I know deep down they are really glad the cake's finally being thrown away... Finally there's sufficient space in the fridge to keep a feverish baby. It's not really a perfectly good cake... because if it were... the only chute the cake will find itself sliding down would be my mouth. Big Sponge-cake Fan.

Yeah, so I queued up initially with one caucasian lady in front of me who was returning some things back because when you get too excited with arts and crafts, you usually buy too much... glue to sniff. Caucasian people are quite nice when they find that they are causing you some trouble indirectly... she hinted that it would take a while and so on and so forth... so I decided to linger around nearby to look at some other stuff... a corner to sniff some glue... went back to the queue and like magic another 2 caucasian lady popped up speaking in Russian I think.

Being an eavesdropper, I could kind of guess they were talking the iPad... but other than that I didn't know what was happening. It's a pretty amazing feat I'd say, to be able to loosely translate a language I've never learnt before... or maybe iPad means something else in Russian.

Those 2 ladies took forever to pay for their things because they separated their buys into 3 different stack... and then 1 of them signed up for the membership for Art Friend. Of course being a polite caucasian, they apologized for taking so long. If it were a Singaporean Aunty she would probably just walk away and pretend I wasn't standing there because if I don't see you, that means I didn't know I was taking my own sweet time paying for my things and wasting your time. That's the type of mentality I think Singaporean Aunties have... apart from their occasional out burst in public transport because some poor kid was breathing their air.

As I headed out, I was unfortunate enough to bump into 2 guys who were doing some charity thing where the minimum donation was $10. Being an idiot and trying not to be rude... I allowed the person to speak finish, and I was going to say "No" obviously, and try to find some excuse like...

"You've just wasted 30 seconds of my life on you... that's a generous donation by itself. Do you know how much I get paid per night?"

I tried finding excuses like I didn't have enough money because my generosity has a pretty tight budget of a dollar, if I am feeling really generous $1.50... But the damn charity dude was so bloody persistent.

"It's for the kids starving in some country"

"The kids, you are doing a great thing by donating this amount of money."

If I don't donate I am a heartless bastard who don't care about the suffering kids... if I donate I am doing a very noble thing. It's those either or scenario which is damn annoying... so I decided to donate, thinking just chuck him a $10 note and I'm out of there.

And then he tells me he needs my bank account number because it will withdraw from the bank slowly like some leech... ended up walking to the ATM machine with the guy which is the opposite direction from where I was walking from... and I can't just say no without looking like a complete asshole because the poor guy just spend 5 minutes talking about the whole donation thing to me.

After I pass him the account number he tells me it's a monthly thing, and that I have to personally call the company to cancel the "subscription". Freaking troublesome... I didn't really feel good after that even though I just did something good.. probably because the damn donation just gave me added an extra assignment on my To-Do list, which is already choked full of assignment... and probably because the money in the bank account is not mine but my Mums'.

After that ordeal, I headed over to ION in an attempt to look for the bubble tea shop Gong Cha, didn't know if it even existed in ION.... walked around, got a little lost, squatted down and cried "Mummy", no one cared so I stood up and looked around even more for at least a Bubble Tea Shop.

Found one called HAPPY LEMON. Seeing there was a really short queue I decided to grab something from there, after queueing up for KOI, seeing a Bubble Tea shop with a small queue naturally attracts me over... if there's no queue then I'm not going to buy because it would probably suck.

Being a kiasu, I decided to order the Jumbo size Tea Latte with Black Sago Pearls. (Oh, now then I realize it's not Tapioca balls, no wonder the texture was slightly different.) I felt sick after finishing 4/5 of the drink.... in the bus I was literally sweating cold sweat for some reason and the taste of the bubble tea in my mouth made me so sick I felt like throwing up.

I had to get off the bus halfway because I was starting to get a really bad headache from the motion sickness... not to mention there was a jam at ?2.30 pm? which made the motion sickness even worse because the damn bus kept jerking around.

I don't know if it's the fact I was drinking a crap load of milk tea on an empty stomach or simply the fact that I was drinking too much... but for the first time I actually got really turned off by Bubble Tea. I was even scared to google Happy Lemon after that. Although now I really wouldn't mind another cup, just not in Jumbo and not their crappy Lipton Tea with milk. Very sure they used Lipton Tea... that's why KOI is still the best.

Yet to try Gong Cha though, might probably start crapping in my pants with GongCha... I have violent reactions to new bubble tea brands. Happy Lemon is definitely a good Bubble Tea shop... but I was just unlucky because of a crappy bus ride and the fact that I skipped lunch... trying to get my BMI down so I will have a proper excuse for NS.

"Weak lah Sir... PES C."

I want to get into PES C... who cares if people call me weak. I think I have grown accustomed to people automatically categorizing (catergeriting<- Spellchecked word WTF?) me into the "Probably gets bones broken after getting smacked by a incoming housefly flying at a speed of 100m/hour." body type.